Dear Peace Parents and Families,
While Pastor Joe is on paternity leave, I am continuing to join up with the ongoing editor, Daina Sivanich, to send along to you Peace’s weekly “Children, Youth, and Family Newsletter.” My thanks to her and our thanks to you for your taking a few minutes to read it!
First of all, I hope you had and/or are having a good July 4th week and that you are having a renewing (and restful?) week.
And secondly, I can imagine that with families in closer quarters for longer bits of time this week, there is even more a need for manners. And so again I pass along some good and helpful words from the folks at Prepare/Enrich, a group of educators and psychologists out of the University of Minnesota, whose mission it is “to equip….couples and families with evidence-based skills to foster healthy relationships.”
Here’s are some excerpts from the Prepare/Enrich article, “You’re Teaching More Than Manners”:
“As a kid, were you constantly being reminded by your parents to employ good manners? If you have children, chances are you’re trying to teach them manners as well. There’s a sense of intention around instilling the habit of saying please and thank you, excuse me, I’m sorry, and the like. Paradoxically, it’s often the things that we’re unintentionally teaching and modeling for our kids that they pick up on the most. (If you’ve ever let a curse word slip out around your little ones, you’ll know what we’re talking about.)
With that in mind, what are your children learning from the interactions between you and your spouse? As you model good manners with each other, what are the deeper lessons behind the words? Here are some examples:
“Please” and “Thank you” → Gratitude
Do you still make a habit of saying please and thank you to your partner? Hopefully you do! Over time, it’s easy to start omitting this basic nicety with our partner, but in doing so, we can also start to take them for granted. Remembering to say please and thank you to gestures big and small is a simple way to cultivate a mindset of gratitude and appreciation. When you sincerely thank your spouse for putting gas in your car or bringing you coffee, you’re modeling that it’s important to show these feelings in a marriage while simultaneously giving an example of one way to do it. Think about other ways you show gratitude to each other and how you can help your children understand the meaning behind the words or actions.
“I’m sorry” → Empathy
Genuinely apologizing to each other in front of your kids is powerful, especially when done in way that acknowledges the feelings of the other person and takes accountability for the offending actions. Obviously you’ll want to use your discretion when it comes to what issues you’re addressing, but normalizing the habit of heartfelt apologies helps build the deeper skill of empathy. Empathy requires you to step outside of yourself and take on the perspective of another. This is part of understanding when an apology is appropriate and also provides the basis for a “real” apology instead of a disingenuous one. Think of the difference between actually feeling sorry about something and wanting to apologize versus simply being told to parrot the words – there’s a big difference, right? Don’t forget to consider the way you and your partner accept each other’s apologies.
“Can I help you with that?” → Teamwork
You and your spouse likely have separate roles and responsibilities which lends to keeping your household running smoothly. The way you split up duties makes a lasting impression on your children, and so does the way you help each other out to complete them. Offering to help each other with tasks that aren’t “yours” teaches the idea that marriage is a team sport. It’s less about completing your separate tasks and more about supporting each other in working toward a common goal. Think about other ways in which you and your partner model teamwork and the impact that might have on your kids’ idea of what marriage is.
Teaching your children to say specific words that show “good manners” is important, but even more important might be teaching them to recognize and experience the feelings and emotions that drive them. The beauty of this idea is that you’re able to show your children that there are many ways to show gratitude, empathy, and a team mentality. It’s an exercise in emotional intelligence that is not only valuable for your kids but is also a great reminder for you and your spouse.’”
Thanks to Prepare/Enrich and thanks to you parents for all of what you do to bring up wonderful kids and human beings!
In Christ,
Pastor Mark